MLQ Preview: Eastern Division Conference League

(This was written by Bruce Donnelly but posted by SG bc Bruce is a lazy POS)

Holy shit. I am very excited for the upcoming Major League Quidditch season.

As someone who lives in New York, the obvious, indisputable Mecca of quidditch – am I right, Texas? – I love seeing these highly competitive games, especially when my home team, the New York Titans, have to do almost no traveling.

With rosters having been released, I’m here to give you the proper breakdown of each East Division roster, so you know what to look for. Except Ottawa’s. I don’t know anything about Canada, nor care to.

Actually, with Ottawa in mind – why is it in the East Division? Isn’t it more north than all of the North Division teams, a division that I both am unqualified to and refuse to cover, if only because I keep forgetting Detroit has a team for some inexplicable reason.


Boston Night Riders
– Projected record: 27-0

What is a Night Rider?

Don’t Google that question, holy shit. Oh my god.

Both responses were just…what the fuck, Boston?


Max Havlin. Blah blah blah. They’re going to be really good.

Holy shit, David Stack too? This is bullshit. Everyone else go home. New York, don’t make that four hour drive. It’s just not worth it.

That covers it, right?

Washington Admirals
– Projected record: they’re gonna lose to Boston

I know what an Admiral is, so no distractions here.

noun – Ricky Nelson in that fucking hat.

Is this team’s only keeper the Zodiac Killer? That’s the best strategy this sport has seen since the Baylor defense. I love it.

Other notes: Mike Madonna is probably going to get a lot of cards. That’s a reckless statement with no evidence ever to support that as a possibility.

Also, Darren Creary is fucking big. I mean, he’s very large. It’s not fair that he’s allowed to play.

Oh, and Erin Mallory is v nice, but her boyfriend is a total tool.

New York Titans
– Projected record: #whereisAugie


Can someone please tell David Foxx that he needs to make a decision about where he’s going to play?! Night Riders, Warriors, QCB, Titans. Is he confused? I’m confused.

Steve Ficurilli, please don’t get hurt.

On a similar note: I’m glad to see Dallas isn’t playing this year, she takes a fucking beating throughout the season. Proud of you, Sturm; you got this right!

Yada passes well, Tim Keaney catches well, they’re going to score goals.

Boom. Real analysis.

Ottawa Black Bears
– Projected record: too much traveling

Uh, I guess I’m here. Let’s do this.

Um. They have free health care.

Didn’t we already kick Canada out of American quidditch?

This is all really unfair, the players from this team that I’ve been around are really good players, and I know that most of this team just won the Canadian National Championship.

Also, Felix Tremblay is crazy good at seeking. He’s a decent chaser too.

I just wanna know who screwed over Ottawa so badly that it has to travel to New York AND Washington, that’s some bullshit.

It’s fixed.

MLQ wants to build the wall between the US and Canada instead. #MLQhatesCanada


I’m really upset that I didn’t write my first article drunk. I hope this is the most bitching article to edit, though; my boss is a fucking bitch.

Love you probably.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.